every single emotion in one day
yesterday, i woke up at 5:38 a.m. to watch the final vote counts come in. the roller coaster started there and never found a stopping point.
i woke up early, before Pennsylvania had been called. 5:38 a.m. in spain, 11:38 p.m. on the east coast in the u.s. i saw how the numbers were going. drank too much coffee. Dee and Courtney and Massi joined me, as we all watched a live stream on the computer screen and scrolled through various news and social feeds on each of our phones.
emotion count: niggling fear, anxiety, exhaustion, disgust
we all walked away and came back around, trying to stop staring at a slow motion train wreck. i have guests here from the u.s. but i have gotten out. a surreal combination to hold in my home. we decide to leave, head to montblanc in hopes of life-changing pastries. we discover a closed bakery, but stop for a coffee and a morning bocadillo with pan cristal. overly friendly pajarones pecking around under our table despite our efforts to shoo them away.
emotion count: annoyance, disappointment, haunting anxiety niggling, surprise, enjoyment, contentment
we get back in the car, and start the drive back. as we drive, i am in the back seat scrolling for more news. i’m refreshing incessantly the map of red and blue states, watching for the ticker of electoral college votes to move. finally, regrettably, they do. Pennsylvania predicted for Trump. swear words rang throughout the car. maybe the House could still hold back the tide of dangerous legislation, tho. maybe? more swear words, which evolves into singing them to classical music. unexpected laughter at the absurdity. dear friends close to me as we ride this experience together, through the countryside back to my little home.
emotion count: gripping fear, disappointment, anger, despair, shock, relief (i left!), guilt (i left.), gratitude, final shreds of hope
back at home, massi and i reunite and console each other. or try. i have to tell my daughter the news. we all sit in shock, add more swears sprinkled throughout both conversations and silence. then it’s off to lunch, a proper spanish menú (three course meal plus beverages and bread) in cerviá, a little town down winding roads through olive groves, seven minutes to Nou Casal. lunch is slow, shockingly good, restorative. there are tears at the table, confessions of concerns and disappointments, but also laughter, also sheer enjoyment of quality food with the spanish touch.
emotion count: everything above, plus worry, concern, holding space, delight, release, little glimmers of beauty still being possible
after lunch, our visitors go off to Poblet, and I stay home, wanting to be near my family. shock and despair set in without distractions around. i’m not sure what happened in those hours. not much. processing, scrolling, trying to look away. failing. giving up. but finally, the friends are back and the husband says he is hungry and Courtney says she could eat, so we pull out bowls and plates and pile up cured chorizo and fuet, aged cheese, cut up some baguette and toast it in the oven with olive oil and flaky salt. arrange vegetables, more cheeses, crackers, olives, open wine and gaseosa, sit down around the table together. as the eating slows down, a dance party ensues, each of us pulling up songs from our own phones to continue a tag-team playlist as we shake out the day. there’s beyonce, lily allen (you know the one), shakira, jon batiste. each of us bringing songs that you can move your body to, songs to get anger out, songs to make you feel better.
emotion count: resignation, fear, numbing, release. and all the above. more anger. joy.
all of it, every human emotion, in one single day. i am spent.
i am exhausted by the emotions alone. the dancing helps us feel that exhaustion in our bodies and not just our hearts. it feels good to sweat, to shake and release those emotions from our bodies, to feel them all and release them all. somehow, at some point after the dancing, we manage to sleep.
to rise again the next day. to rise again. to feel all the emotions and not get stuck in one, to make plans and take care of our people and keep fighting. wherever we are, no matter what happens. we rise together. we welcome and release all of the emotions. they can all be held loosely in our hands, as we hold each other up and let each other fall apart. there will be new days, there will be regained strength. we will not get stuck in the darkness.